Coders can show a narcissist who’s the boss

Samanja Cartagena
6 min readOct 22, 2022

Do you have a narcissistic parent or an in law? Or a narcissistic roommate? Do you share a child with a narcissist? Is your boss a narcissist? If so, you have no other alternative but to deal with a narcissist. Calm down, relax you can do it, especially if you are a software engineer. Let me teach you how.


Get some goals

If you are forced to share your life with a narcissist. Do not feel hopeless. People will tell you to leave the narc. But for many reasons you cant. You may feel extremely guilty leaving an elderly parent or a family member. You may have a child with a narcissist. Life is not perfect. Life will throw imperfections at you, imperfect people are just a huge part of it. A narcissist isn’t even the worst of people kind. More horrible people exist in this world. There are serial killers, pedophiles, rapists, war criminals. Your narc is just a person with serious mental problems that can be handled. You have the ability to handle your narc with grace and dignity. But there are some tricks you need. First of all get a goal. A goal that is extremely important to you. Maybe you can dream to have a start up or open a company. As a coder, you must have some lofty goal to create an app that prevents global warming or become a lead engineer in Microsoft. Focus on your goals. I know the narcissist looks very threatening to you and looks like an obstacle who is trying to stop you from reaching your goals. Unless and until your narc is beating you or physically threatening you it is nothing but a delusion. This person cannot stop you or hurt you. Once you start working on reaching your goals. The narcissist will look very unimportant. You will pay less attention to the narc in your life. This can really disarm the narcissist if you share the same house. Get a white board, keep your plans there. Show her/him that you have better things to do.

Take good care of yourself

One of the best way to disarm your narcissist is to take great care of yourself. Go the gym everyday. Work out. Have a self care routine. A narcissist will hate that. A narcissist wants to be the center off all attention. This person likes to feed off your misery and bask in any attention they get. They will feel powerful if you dress up like a slob and powerless if you are nicely groomed and look great.

Take criticisms very lightly

A narc will do anything to put you down. Disarm the narcissist by taking all of their criticisms very lightly. Learn some phrases such as Oh ok. I am happy with my life. You cannot let this person think they have any power over you. They need to understand that they simply cannot make you feel bad for anything. You cannot let this person get under your skin. As a matter of fact, a narcissist cannot get any kind of emotional reaction out of you. A narcissist cannot make you feel happy, sad or miserable. You need to be cold. You cannot laugh at the jokes of a narcissist or cry at insults. You need to be stoic and also emotionless. Be a robot in front of the narcissist. You will thank me later when you will start feeling powerful. Emotional detachment is the key to attaining that state of mind.


If you have been under the thumb of a narcissist than you have a problem called loneliness. A narcissistic mother will do whatever it takes to keep her daughter isolated to “protect her” . When in reality she has a need to control the people around her because she is not capable of love. She is threatened by her friends and will not let her make any friends. She will make sure the daughter ends up with no friends. A narcissistic husband will also not allow his wife to have friends. He cannot abuse her if she has many. This is the reason why you need to have friends. But if you have been under the pressure of a narcissist you do not have many. As a coder, you do have great options to network with like minded people who may or may not end up as friends. Many of my closest friends now are people I have done projects with. You can start off by networking with people who are like minded such as other coders. Such people can help you with your project and your career. Check out tech twitter, GitHub issues, stack over flow, LinkedIn spaces and also there are many meet ups in town such as coffee shops and colleges where software engineers meet up to do group projects. This will threaten the narcissist and this person will try to put a stop to this. But be resilient. Keep networking.

Hackerrank and Leet code problems

A problem solving hobby is a great hobby. Keep solving algorithmic problems from the famous sites. This will transform you and turn you into a problem solver. Solving problems increases your self confidence. It will make you a far better coder. It will open all kinds of doors in your life and very soon you will feel so good about yourself that the narcissist will be able to see that you are glowing with confidence and self respect. The narcissist will not be happy about this. They will feel disarmed. These algorithmic problems will teach you how to think and make you smarter.

The narc is now super frustrated

Your narc is seeing you happier than before. The narc is now super frustrated. He/ She does not know how to make you miserable. You have taken charge of your life. The narc will try to bribe you now with gifts, kind words or restaurants. The narc will want to spend time with you. They will exaggerate their kindness and overact. Such a thing will not feel authentic and it can even feel very strange. Go with your feelings, do not fall for this trap. I repeat, do not fall for this trap. This person will flip their attitude in 2 seconds and reveal their true color again. Their entire mission is to hurt you in whatever way possible.


Yes, you need many hobbies that do not involve the narcissist in your life. Play table tennis with friends, read books. Make sure you pursue your hobby with passion. A narc wants your entire life to revolve around him/her but guess what you have too many great things going on. I have dealt with my narc by becoming a reader. I read a lot and it helped me process my emotions. Reading is the best hobby in the world.

As a software engineer you are blessed

Coders are blessed with great projects and novel ambitions. You have many plans, probably to make some you tube tutorials, create a website, start your own business. You do not have time to focus on the actions of petty people. You are completely capable of shifting your focus from the narcissist to your own self. Altogether, the weather will always be fine and the future of all coders will be bright everywhere!

You are free!!!

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